I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
You Might Also Like
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.