No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
How to draw a duck
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”