Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
🤣🤣
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.