She was REALLY feeling it.
You Might Also Like
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.