I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Hamburger Hinderer.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt