Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Not all heroes wear capes….