Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Anime is real