the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
excuse me
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet