You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.