People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Good dog. ❤️