Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.