Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Perfection.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her: