Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?