JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Hmmmmm
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Ugh but profoundly
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣