If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day