*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.