Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
ibopfufen
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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