Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.