My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”