I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My patience has stretch marks.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.