I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Did my cat write this
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Just a bush.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors