I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance