Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?