The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Can. I. Help. You.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
A leaf blower, but for people.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.