Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I would like even faster food.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size