Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You Might Also Like
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The “research” scene in every horror movie
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Can. I. Help. You.