If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Okay me first
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.