I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
She puts the hot in psychotic
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.