In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
just having fun
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!