Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You Might Also Like
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”