a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
You Might Also Like
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat