I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
You Might Also Like
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.