“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
You Might Also Like
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I鈥檓 in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
馃拃
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It鈥檚 been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it鈥檚 preparing for take off
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you鈥檝e made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I鈥檓 deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird鈥檚 head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Who snuck Monday in here? 馃檮
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven鈥檛 eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn鈥檛 care
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.