Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.