Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.