When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.