If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Trying
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back