“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
LMAO.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.