Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Still cracks me up
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one