If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
In banana years, I am bread.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose