Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.