Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.