My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My last name is Zilla.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub