If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*