[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
me hooking up with my ex