OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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Going to church you guys need anything
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.