Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
the icebreaker
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Duck typos.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us