if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
this post was so formative to me
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”