1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.