Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
What鈥檚 the most baby state? Washington because WA
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn鈥檛
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I think something went wrong here?!馃
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it鈥檚 me to the crumbs on my shirt
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715